Melt-Down Month Moments

It’s really easy to want to vomit out everything on one page, but I’m going to try and keep the fervor down and limit the verbal vomit to one topic today:

Yesterday I changed my life for FOREVER!!

No, I’m not being dramatic. Well, maybe I am, but I did something yesterday I’m pretty proud of. Yesterday I started I my own business.

I’ve had a couple of melt-down month moments the last couple of days. A melt- down month moment is when all the frustrations, irritations, disappointments and rage that has been bottled up for months comes falling out in one completely irrational moment. Wednesday was a melt-down month moment.

Wednesday morning at about 10:30 am I was sitting in a jam-packed room of 100 of my favorite co-workers listening to a speaker my employer brought in. I was super tired from having worked a 12 hour day the day before. The anxiety was at an all time high for too many reasons. And, the thing that was really the thing was happening at that very moment just across town. That thing that was the real thing was that my church was sending off a small group back to the mission field in Haiti and I wasn’t going. Haiti is in my heart home. I’ve had the extreme joy of going to Haiti doing missionary work several times and to say I love that place is an understatement. My heart lives in Haiti and on Wednesday when that group was going without me my melt down month came. I should have been there. I should be in with them, right now. But instead, I’m sitting in a room with 100 of my peers gritting my teeth through one more training. After the training is over, I’m going to get in my car, drive three miles to an office where I give my life away and see very few real results. I really do love my job. I’m really good at my job. But I’m craving a life outside of my office where I can really impact people’s lives. Where I can give something back and people are just happy I showed up to help. That’s part of what Haiti is for me.

In the middle of a crowded room with 100 of my peers sitting all around me, I had had finally had enough. So I did what any other determined, rational minded professional woman in her almost 50’s would do: I feigned a bladder infection, ran to the bathroom and had a good cry.

The great thing about melt down-month moments is that it’s usually the exact thing that I need to push my feet in the very direction they’ve been wanting to go for a long time. To say my feet have been fixed in place is a bit of an understatement. I NEEDED that melt-down month moment to get myself moving.

Before I could think better of I wrote a really brief plan and then wrote a text,

“Can you and I meet on Friday?”

As of last night I officially started. I have zero clients right now but that will change soon enough. What’s important here is that I did it. I started. I took one giant, really scary step. There’s more steps to take but for right now I’m basking in the glorious courage it took to take that first step.  

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